FFFFFFF

i know the reason why i'm so pissed off right now was too small to be a problem like this. i know i was over. i know im just too jealous as a person.

but just let me write anything i want here.

this isnt about you seeing another girl's bum. note it. is-not-about-you-SEEING-another-girl's-bum well yes it was at first, but now we have a bigger deal right here. this is about you so easy making me upset and so easy to ask an apoligize for me and easy to get mad if i cant give you any yet. easy easy easy and easy. do you think im an easy ass kind of girl? like you can ask anything anytime from me? do you see me as an easy kind of girl?

this isnt about me mad at you because you seeing another girl's bum. this is about me hating you because you acted like i was easy.

for these past 2 weeks, im so happy like i could die for you. but at the end of our 2 weeks, you turned everything to be black and grey. i dont know.. i was disappointed, i was mad, jealous, sad, mixed feelings at the same breath. i cant trust you,it seems like nothing can be trusted right now. i cant trust you for not hurting me more.

i wish i could just let go.

thank you billie for singing my song

Apologize
Too many nights I’ve slept all alone. And I didn’t get to know you before you were gone. And I walk in your foot steps, I walk in your foot steps. I spy on you. Forgive me for that. So were you here to comfort me or to comfort you? To forget about the mistakes you’ve done. One shouldn’t do like that. One shouldn’t do like that? But I forgive you.

You’re all so important to me and you know it. So if that is mutual respect me and show it. You’ve hurt me before and you hurt me again. So apologize and I’ll forgive you. Don’t make fun of me or mock me or tease me. Take my hand and listen to me and release me. You’ve hurt me before and you hurt me again. So apologize and I’ll forgive you.

The last thing I need now is bad jokes and laughter. I can not go on like this. So help me now. Help me. So help now.

And the last thing I need now is bad jokes and laughter. I can not go on like this. So help me now. Help me. So help now.

letter to dad

dear dad..

i miss you as always and i miss you more to night. how are you dad? our sky looked gloomy these past days.. are you okay?

dad, 7th Ramadhan without you and i still feel like so weak, i still feel so empty. i feel so hurt and so lost. daddy, can you please be home?

sis will move on 5 days. she's going to Japan. Japan is your favorite country right? she's so much like you. watching her preparing everything is makes me so proud and so sad at the same time dad. im so proud that she has your dreams and the fact that she leaves me is killing me.

so dad, can you do me a little help? im sharing this sky with her. please guard her sky too dad. please be with her all the time. please take care of her when she's away. please daddy, be with her..

everytime i write to you, i know you must read it. and everytime i miss you, i know you miss me too. daddy my love is yours forever. i love you and im desperately missing you. i just wish i woke up one day having you here at home, i hope i see you again dad, its killing me to face the fact that i forgot your voice sounds like. dad, i miss you. i hope you're okay right now, i know you're okay. a good man like you must be have a special place on God's side right dad?


im sending all my love for you dad.


from your daughter

he said, we shouldnt mention the word "forever"

the first time we go through this relationship, he thought that way. we shoulnt mention the word "forever" because nothing is last forever. i think he was wrong. everybody have the meaning of the word "forever" on their own. and this mine..

today is our 21 months anniversary. just like our others anniversary, i always feel lucky because he was here with me and how many lessons he had taught me and how he has changed my life and all things seemed to be better when he is here. today i feel all those feelings again. it seems today, i dont want to feel anything except my love for him and his love for me. like i could go screaming right now telling everyone that i love him the most, i love him forever. i know that he said nothing is last forever, but for me forever is a wish. i wish we could be in love as long as only god knows how long it was.

im always bad at ending my narrative. but now, this is my will to not going to end this narrative. i dont want to write an ending for my story about me loving him.

so, happy anniversary love. thank you for sweet sweet messages and sorry for the photos :p

LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP

..he was a thousand miles away from me when i needed him, we cant solve our problems face to face because he just not here, god knows how tired i am with this long distance relationship stuff, i think we need a break..


sad.

as someone who used to be in a position like that, i can say it was sad and desperate. long distance relationship is all about distance and time. as we know, distance and time are a must. we cant fool the distance. because until now "pintu kemana saja" doesnt exist and never will exist. distance must be passed. whatever it takes. and time. time is moving forward, never stopped or even walk backward. so everything had to walk across the distance and just in time, because your hearts, once it was late, it'll change.

but for me long distance relationship was more than distance and time.

many of my friends whose relationship ended due to distance reasons. although nobody said that distance can guarantee a lasting relationship, i agreed about distance as reasons. but, the distance im talking about is different, distance doesnt always mean different cities, different countries, or any kind of different places to stay. distance is blank space between two things/person.

can you imagine there was a blank space in front of you? a blank space that makes your eyes go blind and your hearing becomes deaf? and all you can see is your head and all you can hear is your thought? i say: dead.

for me, a relationship cant be said as LDR just because you live in different cities, but if you live in one house together, but rarely of communication and no time to spend together, it can be said as LDR. doesntt matter near or far you are, as long as there is no blank space between you, then you are actually holding onto one another.this is what we always have to protect, because blank space is very easy to appear. dont give a damn about how thin it is, it still dangerous. and all you have to do is put your glasses back so you can see clearer and start to look for something to make the blank space go away.

so before you say: "i think we need a break.." please look around you. what actually when wrong? if you going frustrated because you want to hug him/her but you cant, its not even a problem, its love. but if you see something that he/she couldnt see, i hope you know the best thing to do to get rid of it besides leave it die.

PS: leaving is not the best way to solve problems

HELP

today my cat was missing :( Cikung disappeared this morning and she was pregnant. i know the situation was difficult for her. we just moved and im sure she couldnt yet get along to our new place. these past two days, she looked gloomy and refused to eat. Cikung used to love to eat :( so i think she lost because she wasnt familiar with this place as her new home, and i think maybe she left and coulnt find her way home. poor her.

so if you live around Ciumbeluit Bawah or Gandok or where ever near by and saw/found her, please contact me. she was pregnant and wore a pink bell. This is the picture of my cat and her name is Cikung.





thank you for reading this news. i beg your help to anyone who saw her, please contact me. thank your very very much.

LOVE

i always try to describe love. love is this and love is that. love is always changing depending on how I look and feel. love is always changing on how I want to call it. love is yesterday, today, and tomorrow. love is always, changing?

some people say, love is belief and trust. if love is belief and trust, how can it keeps changing?

it keeps changing because i dont know. i tried to guess to pretend that i know. i tried to conclude from all the things i thought i knew. it keeps changing because i keep changing.

and now, i finally know. that love isnt about a thing. love isnt about times, distances, differences, commons, problems, kissing, roses, sex, belief, trust, faith, cheating, us, married even love isnt about you and me.

love is life.

when you thought you were dead and lose all your lives,you're losing your love.
when you see the sun in the morning and feel completely normal, you have your life.




and i couldnt breath without you, but with you the sun is singing..
you, the love of my life, the life that i love.