February. Romantic month. i hope a lot in in Feb to be my lucky month. but it seems my hope is useless. i've been feeling like a widow. trying to catch some fun but ended up nowhere but my own room. all alone.i realized how much i hate all my weekends in Feb, they all suck and boring and i just wish i had a power to skip them all. and God might hate me more than He did before. i look around to the people i envy. it seems like they had amazing life without problems like mine. it makes me so sad to see something great like that. i feel so pathetic with all the 'good life' stuff. i feel like somehow somewhat being single again without getting any relationship before. i wanna buried my self alive on internet and books like forever. i hate me, i dont care if it sounds like a childish or whatsoever, i mean, my life is right but always in a wrong position. but the worst part is no matter how much i hate it,campus life,friendship,home even my boyfriend, i just keep on wanting to have more time with them. more and more like im hunger for them everyday. weird but that's the thing right? tho i hate it,i still love it. i've been saving my boredom out towards books,internet,and shopping. it helping tho just a bit, like my own way to say, 'fuck you feb,you could never beat me,i have my march' And today is the last day of Feb. only god knows how much i thankful for it. Here is comes my march. i hope this month brings a joy to me and all of you.at least i hope im not going to celebrate my bday alone. BIG WISH X
i just look around my old photos,and suddenly i missed them all.
you know how a memory can represent many things? memory is a book. for me, memory is a bible, a real evidence for something we've ever had or even still we have now. memory is a good lesson that we must keep it going and both a bitter experience that we must fix. but the main thing, memory is the recording of our hearts and minds. no matter how bad it is, we cant refuse to have it. we cant deny it. memory can help us remember the past. remembering that we once had something that might make us laugh or even cry. helps us to remember that we've done something useful take make us just like today. memory is our identity, memory is a part of our lives. it connects everything. memory is something real and absolute. not something we have forgotten or something we have to hide.
i have a lot of memory. memories about everything i've ever felt. some of them recorded in a photographs. and some only a small piece of my mind that always comes back when i was thinking about nothing. sometimes i feel sad when i remembered it, but then i really feel so lucky to have it. there's no point in regretting all that had happened. and it isn't useful to destroy existing memories.its like when i remembered about my ex and his behavior to me,it felt like i would never forgive him for the rest of my life, but then i thought, from all of the things i can remember about him, there are a good lessons to learn.so why i should regret it? now each of us have a new life which i believe better than before, and regretted it will only ruined everything,right? and then, when i used to have a very very very best friend, and we fight and decided not to be friends anymore. i looked again to the picture with her and compare the current situation, i feel so stupid. i mean why does this happen? today should be better than yesterday,right? this is what memory is for, helped me to realize something more important than a cat fight or something. we were friends back there.
that's why i absolutely adored the sense of a memory. it reminding and awakening. and i will do anything to keep my memories alive.
a month to go to my birthday.not too soon to make wishes,right? i'll be 20 yeah! a bit scary having 2 in your two digits of ages. but i really hope a lot of positive changes in my life will happen in my 20. sure i expect a gift for sure. haha x. but there's one thing that i've been waiting for in March except being 20, Camera Obscura.
my favorite life time band will come to my city! same month with my bday. i couldnt ask for another bday's gift. i cant hardly wait to be on the front stage singing along with them! God, i adore Tracyanne Campbell so much. even though i really hope they make their own concert but its okay, finally they are here! they're also will perform at Jogjakarta too the next day. i really really wanted to go there, celebrating my day, watching the gigs, and do some travel stuff. i wish i had more enough time :(
i need information as soon as possible bout the pre sale or anything about ticketing and booking. so if anyone knows, please let me know too.and for friends who really dont have any idea about Camera Obscura, check them out on their myspace www.myspace.com/cameraobscuraband I guarantee you would love it.
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face.You told me how proud you were, but I walked away.If only I knew what I know today.I would hold you in my arms.I would take the pain away.Thank you for all you've done.Forgive all your mistakes.There's nothing I wouldn't do.To hear your voice again.Sometimes I wanna call ya.But I know you won't be there.Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit.Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss.And it's so hard to say goodbye.When it comes to this.Would you tell me I was wrong?.Would you help me understand?.Are you looking down upon me?.Are you proud of who I am?.There's nothing I wouldn't do.To have just one more chance.To look into your eyes.And see you looking back.Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you.For everything I just couldn't do.And I've hurt myself, ohh.If I had just one more day.I would tell you how much that I've missed you.Since you've been away.Ooh, it's dangerous.It's so out of line.To try and turn back time..
daddy : the left one
last night, i dreamt about my daddy. he came up to me without any word. staring at me full of love. i came after him and lay my head upon his lap. he touched my hair gently, and even without any word, i can see his messages through his eyes. he really missed me and wonder why me and my boyfriend never visited again. he said, although he never knew him directly, he believes that my boyfriend will be the good one for me later. than he began to disappear.his eyes said one more time, "honey,if you keep your love for me, come over, and i'll come back to you". when i woke up from my sleep,i couldn't hold back my tears. i really miss him as he missed me.i immediately called my mom and told her evertything.then she began to cry with me.
we all missed him.daddy died six years ago.left me,my mommy, my sister and my brother all alone.it was heartbreaking. i thought day by day, time might heal everything. but this hole in our heart never ever will be healed. it was never right again,although we all tried to stick with this reality, but the sense of lost never can be replaced.we all trying to let go.believed that daddy had been in a better place than here.but sometimes disbelief and unacceptable feeling that he wasn't home anymore haunting us.and when a sense it was attacked, I felt very weak.
all i can do is pray for him, and do my best to always be his daddy's best girl.I know wherever he is now, he watching after me and my family. and I knew he would read my writing how it was. i missed you daddy, I hope someday you'll be home again with me, with us. xoxo